Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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