as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
