the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
