Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
