Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm really busy with my period
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