How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
