i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
