You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
