I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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