she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
