if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I have feelings that need drinking.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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