I met the friendliest cop last night
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
