pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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