I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
