Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
