I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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