John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I need a beard to bite.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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