I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
dude. I can hear the air.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
