I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
