just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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