I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize
