he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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