I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
