I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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