just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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