Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I want to fling myself into the sun
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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