the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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