I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
