Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
