I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
