ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
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