turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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