my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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