i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
