I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
