i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
