before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Randomize
