You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
