I feel great
I just peed on a car
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Randomize
