You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
