I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
