Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
