??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
