I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
