I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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