I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
