And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
