Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
