Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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