Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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