Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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